Learning...

What do you do when you realize you are a control freak? You either freak out even more; or you push the breaks.
 Well, I'm doing that right now, with all my force.

"Creatio ex nihilo" by Estellium

Let me tell you a short story. When learning to ride my bike, I used to make use of my back tire break mostly, which would often lead to my butt "dancing" when breaking too hard; and the only thing that kept me from falling down really hard was the knowledge that my bike's butt was about to wiggle, and me holding my position for dear life. Finally, after 5 years of driving more and more, starting to go off on my own for longer and longer distances, I started using the emergency break, which is on the front tire. I used to hate it because it would turn all my weight up on the front part of the motorcycle, and as my arms are my weakest point, the whole pressure was on them, which scared the hell out of me. With lots of experience came the moment when, from a pretty high speed, I could finally use both my brakes in such a way that my bike would stop without actually putting me in danger, or freaking me out; which would subsequently lead to even bigger danger.
Drawing a line here, I think that only with lots of practice experience will be gained and a better life experience can be reached. Growing up as I did, mostly alone and trying to make a way for myself in life, I had to set a "few" rigid rules to help me get through. The most important rule was that nobody else will decide in my place what will actually happen to me. I've been struggling to hold that rule up as a shield for ever since I can remember my first decision; so this is pretty much engraved in my personality, willing or not. If that doesn't make me a control freak, then I really don't know what does.
All fine and pink; getting older (and wiser, as I would like to think), I had come upon situations and people who would not bend to my will. Now, I'm only referring to such people and events as are important to me, excluding thus a big chunk of what's happening around me; as I am actually pretty notorious among my friends for being an ace when it comes to not giving a rat's ass about things and people I don't like, or I'm not interested in. In these delicate cases when I do care I use to take initiative, arrange outings, keep everybody in touch, and usually I am the one making the reservations. I guess that being the assistant at my workplace makes me want to be the one organizing things; that just to put it mildly that I am the total control freak.
Of course that, as a measure of self preservation, I would try to control every aspect of my life. It is one thing to organize the way you are going to meet with your friends, and completely another to try and control a special person's life, just so that they will bend to your will and make you feel in control of the situation. Guess what? There comes a time and a person who will not accept that, who will not let you control the action, no matter how much you want and try to break them. And it's not that they don't care about you or your feelings, but because some things are not acceptable, no matter how much you want to interfere in their lives.
And you know what? It is ok! You can't and by all means you shouldn't be able to control everything around you! I know control gives you a sense of security, of a safe heaven, but it's just an illusion. The real, important things in life can not be controlled; just like life and death, or love. Just as I can't control what is about to happen tomorrow in the world, just like that I can't really control if I like a person or I don't. And exactly like that I can't control somebody's feelings for me. And I'm starting to understand and accept this.
Just like everybody, I'm in the full process of learning... learning to live, learning to love, learning to hit the breaks and let go...for the first time in my life not being in control and letting it go makes me feel more powerful than ever. I can bet that the right person, the one that's going to love you no matter what is not the one you can bend to your will, but the one who wants to do everything for you from the bottom of their heart, and without anybody suggesting it.
So yes, I am prepared to let life get to me, show me what it's like to be surprised, and I'm about to live every second of what's coming and enjoy it the best I can. Just learning to be.

Bisous!

on self-sufficiency...

I've read somewhere that life is that which happens to you when you're not paying attention. It might well be so; as I am terribly trying to live my life to the max and have as many experiences as possible, before I find out it is too late. And isn't this what life is made up of? experiences, happy moments and hurtful times; love and hate?
All these are for me the result of interaction with people around me; either the ones I love and would protect with all my being; or of people I come into more ore less of a collision with; depending on the outcome, obviously. I don't include work here, as that is for me a whole different planet; a place I feel isolated and alone; but at the same time able to be in my own world, which is a more than ideal situation, I must admit.
I've been obsessing over the concept of self-sufficiency for some time now: I've already gathered so many thoughts on it that I could actually write a short book; and the more I think about it the more it scares me. At some point, when deciding a new direction in my life, I thought about this as an attribute that could define me; but then I realized that I was fooling myself, I could never be that type of person. I am addicted to my friends and my circle; and only thinking that it might come a day when I will have nobody to call for a drink on the town makes me shiver.

photo: http://alifeofproductivity.com

And then, of course my train of thoughts derails and I dig deeper into the issue. There are people thinking they are self sufficient; and this piece in particular is inspired by such a person I've recently met. Isolated, alone, but kidding oneself with the illusion that computers, movies, games and such can replace the void only deepens the gap. You don't find insight by looking into your misery, you have to find the root of that misery and pull it out. Unless, and I am more and more inclined to believe this, you can only feel alive when you suffer. Everything else is just too superficial, too little for you. Don't tell me that being alone all the time, and even with people you are in your own world; locked up in your own mind, you will pursue happiness, because I won't believe it.
Ok, I might be over-social; a social butterfly if you wish; but the exact opposite of me won't give anyone a full and happy life. And although I know that a happy life is an abstract notion; we're basically and deep inside all just cut out the same way. So, yes, I do believe that we all strive to love someone. Please pay attention to the fact that I said love; and not be loved. Only by loving you can really feel existence; as only then you have the certitude that nothing is certain or lasts forever, and you might get hurt at any time; but you're still doing it.

So, you might say that happiness is somewhat tangent to self-sacrifice. Just as you feel very warm and fuzzy inside when you're doing a good deed.
When you condemn yourself to self-sufficiency you absolutely lose that warm feeling; but there is still a sort of self sacrifice and a good dose of resignation; which kind of gives you the same taste; and so you live off those truly intense emotions. At some point; they may replace loving someone; but they also leave you  utterly alone. Inside and out.

Self condemning; and self-flagellation, like I like to call it; through self-sufficiency; may hurt people around you whom would like to get closer; but you are the one hurting the most in the end. And yes, it is a bitter and attractive taste; I know; but even that is not something you'll taste forever.

The sadness of it all strikes me when I think of how we all get old and die. Only we can choose if we live our lives or not. The problem is that nobody can make us; and time(that same notion that's been obsessing me for a while) just slips away.
This self-sufficiency deal is so slippery that at times even I wonder if I'm getting it right. It's not about the others at the end of the day; it's deeply about you, the one condemned by a mere notion that sometimes in the past rooted in a vulnerable mid. And don't tell me now that it has no roots, or motive; or it doesn't keep residence in your mind; because I dare say that every shrink out there would raise a brow.
Well, reaching the turning point, where you will probably hate me; I have to state that most of us got hurt sometimes, maybe once, maybe several times; but what can I say? some are bolder and try again; and some...just quit.
I dare say this self-sufficiency idea comes from the hidden fear of not being sufficient enough. Any shrink out there to applaud me? Have you any idea how much it took me to realize this? And do you think it helped?
But, hey, I get it. It is much safer to hurt yourself by isolation and loneliness, than to be hurt by others! I really get it!
Even I am afraid to ask why I understand all these. I am not like this at all; I hate being isolated; I love noise around me at all times; everybody knows me as an extroverted type of gal'.
Last but not least so to speak; I get why the need for it; all the isolation and the necessity to hurt; but I don't understand the weakness; that is something I was not equipped to accept. And even the resignation, the giving up part, that is something alien to me, and I pray to all gods out there that I won't be forced to accept resignation as a way of life; for that would truly be the only time when I would be ashamed of myself.

Derailed, but still in love with the world,
Me.

on the passing of placid Time...

Has it ever happened to you, that when you hear a song you can only think of one person during the time it is sung?
This is the song I'm obsessed with currently:

I find that Italian is one of the most romantic languages on this Earth...as if it has been given to make love to it; as if all persons in love should sing in it to each other; as if you needn't know what it says; the love message is more than obvious. Top that with an excessive romantic mood, a writer's imagination, a little bit of hurt feelings...and you're in my boat altogether.
Looking around me I can see people rushing by, towards actually nothing. They struggle to get a good job, get a house and a car, and top it all up with a beautiful family. Is anybody really happy? can anybody say "Stop! I have everything I want right now!" ? And you know what scares me the most? The fact that time doesn't give a rat's ass about us; little ants that we find ourselves in a hurry towards some imaginary important goal.
Time, this placid Chronos, just dances his slow but steady pace by us; leaving us behind; giving us the illusion that we're actually alive. Do you know when I think we really feel like we're alive? I believe the only moments when we actually feel alive are the ones when we hurt; the ones that would make us scream inside.
Can't we see that this life is only worth living if we are happy? But instead, all we do is anything but being happy. Struggle doesn't mean happy; and it might look like we're getting there; but we're not.
Happy is like when I'm listening to this song and it hurts; it makes me want to be near someone I like very much, someone that makes Chronos look like a fool; someone who can hold me tight until it hurts; but I'm laughing with tears of happiness in my eyes. That someone passes his fingers through my long hair and caresses my face in such a way that my hearts stops for just a second; the same person whom, when he laughs, my breath catches in my throat, for the wonder of seeing the fine wrinkles circling his eyes.  That same person with smooth hair and seductive silver at his temples; the only person dancing always to my rhythm. What better image to evoke the passing of time than the silver in our hair?
 But instead of having his arms around me, and my head resting on his shoulder; dancing to our own song; made up of our own two identical and scary compatible minds; we are struggling each in his own universe; and the magic of our two beings brought together for a short while is mercilessly cut down by the distance we alone have managed to put between us. Still, I feel like I'm alive; and although our time might have passed us by; I am grateful for the feelings that proved I am very much alive, very much able to be cut and bleed out until I can come to understand a small part of the real meaning of life.
So, Master Chronos, spread your wings over us, put us to your test; hurt us and leave us breathless, bleeding and aching all over; but don't you ever dare to pretend that you can take from us that which is so deeply ours: our need to love and be hurt; no matter the challenges you and your friends, the Moirae think of throwing our way.

Bisous,
A mere mortal...